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Jokes of the day

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Topic: Jokes of the day
Posted By: Seko
Subject: Jokes of the day
Date Posted: 31-Aug-2006 at 16:06
   - A man asked God how long a second of his time was for humans. God answered that it was like a million years. The guy then asked the All Mighty if a penny was worth something like a million dollars. And God agreed with the similarity. The wise guy then pleaded with God if it would be alright to spare him a penny then. God told the guy all he had to do was just wait a second.




- The puzzled little computer geek recieved a basketball for his birthday. Then he asked his dad for the owner's manual.
    
    

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Copyright © 2004 Seko



Replies:
Posted By: Jay.
Date Posted: 01-Sep-2006 at 12:26
I motion to sticky this thread!
 
----

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."



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Samo Sloga Srbina Spasava
Only Unity Can Save the Serb


Posted By: Northman
Date Posted: 01-Sep-2006 at 13:18
LOL  Good ones....
 
 
Visiting an Oil Rig in the North Sea, my host asked me: 
How can you tell the girl standing on the edgeof the deck with the green safetyhelmet, is a blonde? 
'Hmmmmmmm' I said - 'I dont know'.
 
Dont you see she is throwing bread to the helicopters?
 
*************************************************
 
The woman complained to the doctor....
Doctor - its very sad - my husband thinks he's a motorbike.
 
Ah - in that case, you better bring him here so I can have a talk with him.
 
But doctor, the woman said - would you really risk to have oil-stains on your nice floor? 
 
 


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Posted By: Paul
Date Posted: 01-Sep-2006 at 15:30
Here's a Thai joke translated,
 
 
Engineers were digging 100 metres under the New York subway when they discovered some strange strands of copper. They called in a team of Archaeologists from the New York History Museum. After 6 months of digging the archaeologists released a report, stating 10,000 years ago the ancestors of the Amerindians had laid copper cable and must of had telephones.
 
Not to be outdone, in Tokyo archaeologists dug 200 metres underneath the Tokyo Metro. After a few weeks they discovered weird strands of glass and shortly released a report declaring this could only mean 20,000 years ago the ancestors of the Japanese had laid fibre optic cable.
 
So next a team of Thai archaeologists dug 300 metres underneath the Bangkok Subway. For six months they studied hard but found nothing at all. Shortly they released a report, saying this could only mean one thing, 30,000 years ago Thais had mobile phones.
 


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Light blue touch paper and stand well back

http://www.maquahuitl.co.uk - http://www.maquahuitl.co.uk

http://www.toltecitztli.co.uk - http://www.toltecitztli.co.uk


Posted By: DayI
Date Posted: 01-Sep-2006 at 17:09
I heard this joke on a movie:

you know all that titanic sunk wright :P So while sunking everyone jumped on litle boats to save their life but one priest stayed on the boat. A guy screamed him to jump on the boat, but the priest said "God will save me", then they let him go they left also. After a while while the water came to his knees and there came rescue-boat to save him, but again he refused help and said "God will save me", so they left him also on the sunking boat. This time the water came till his shoulders, but from a distance there came a rescue-helicopter, they saw the priest till his shoulders on water, they trowed a ladder and yelled to jump on the ladder but again the priest refused help and said "God will save me". Also that helicopter left him, the priest has drownd and died there. Then he shows up as an angel on the front of his God and asks him "why didnt you save me?" then God replies "You fool, ive send you 2 boats and a helicopter!!"

LOL
LOLLOL

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Bu mıntıka'nın Dayı'sı
http://imageshack.us - [IMG - http://www.allempires.com/forum/uploads/DayI/2006-03-17_164450_bscap021.jpg -


Posted By: Omar al Hashim
Date Posted: 01-Sep-2006 at 19:31
lol, particularly love DayI and Pauls

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"O Byzantines! If success is your desire and if you seek right guidance and want your empire to remain then give the pledge to this Prophet"
~ Heraclius, Roman Emperor


Posted By: mamikon
Date Posted: 01-Sep-2006 at 22:38
Originally posted by Jay Jay wrote:

I motion to sticky this thread!


I second that motion!


Posted By: Northman
Date Posted: 02-Sep-2006 at 02:32
Rednecks Medical Terms:
 
Benign....................... What you be, after you be eight.
Artery......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria..................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium...................... What doctors do when patients die.
Caesarian Section..... A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat-scan..................... looking hard at Kitty Cat.
Cauterize.................. Made eye contact with her.
Colic......................... A sheep dog.
Coma........................ A punctuation mark.
D&C.......................... Where Washington is.
Dilate....................... To live long.
Enema...................... Not a friend.
Fester....................... Quicker than anyone else.
Fibula....................... A small lie.
G.I. Series................ World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail.................. What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.................. Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain.............. Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff........... A Doctor's cane.
Morbid..................... A higher offer.
Nitrates................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node....................... I knowd it.
Outpatient................ A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear.............. A fatherhood test.
Pelvis...................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative......... A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.. ....... Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.................... might near killed him.
Secretion................. Hiding something.
Seizure.................... Roman emperor.
Tablet...................... A small table.
Terminal Illness....... Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor..................... One plus one more.
Urine....................... Opposite of you're out.
Varicose.................. Near by/close
 


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Posted By: xristar
Date Posted: 02-Sep-2006 at 10:27

We have the same joke with Paul in Greece. It says that we dug under Acropolis, we found nothing, and that's why we had mobile phones. In greece also it goes with the French and the Italians (not with Japanese and Americans).

I can't think of many good jokes. I'll write one that I herad when I was like 7 or 8 years old and I liked it very much back then (and I still find it nice). So it goes:

There was a man with his head itching terribly. He goes to a doctor. The doctor tells him that he has lice. 'In order to get rid of them put your head in the fridge for half an hour, and the lice will die of cold.' The man goes home and puts his head in the fridge as the doctor said. When he takes it out, he thinks he got rid of the lices, but then a louse come down to his nose and says 'What a cold! It was a hard time but we managed to survive'. The desperate man then goes again to the doctor. The doctor tells him to stick his head in the oven, and so the lice will defenitely die. The man goes home and does it. Then a louse comes down to his nose and says 'Wow, what a heat! It was a hard time but we survived'. Now , the man goes again to the doctor. The doctor now says 'Go, find a man with a lot of hair, and bang your head on his. The lice will leave you and go to him.' The man goes out to the street and he looks for a man with lots of hair. He sees one, he closes him and he bangs his head on the other man's head. While he is happy thinking he solved his problem, a louse comes down to his nose saying 'Wow! What a terrible battle! But we won and took many prisoners!'

 

 

 



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Defeat allows no explanation
Victory needs none.
It insults the dead when you treat life carelessly.


Posted By: ulrich von hutten
Date Posted: 03-Sep-2006 at 07:34
a man is coming into a (german ) bakery shop and asks for bread.the sails girl (or boy) asks: which kind of bread do you want. white, brown or black bread ? the man replys: i doesn't matter.it's for a blind guy.......

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http://imageshack.us">


Posted By: Northman
Date Posted: 06-Sep-2006 at 11:22
One day my phone rang and when I picked it up, I could hear it was the blonde bimbo next door.
The conversation went on like this:
 
"I need your help" she proclaimed all excited.
"Sure" I said - "how can I help you"?
"I have opened a new jig-saw puzzle, and I can't even get started"
I asked, "Whats its supposed to look like when its done"?
"Well she said - like always, there is a picture on the box - it looks like a rooster"
"All Right" I said, I'm coming"
 
She had the puzzle on the dining table and I took a quick look - and then I said "Why dont you make us a nice cup of coffee while I put all the Cereal back into the box"? 
 
 


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Posted By: Seko
Date Posted: 07-Sep-2006 at 23:18
A guy went to the local bar and ordered three beers. As he quickly pounded them down the bartender said, "Hey Buddy, are you ok?" The guy replyed, "Sure. I always toast my two friends when they can't make it to the bar with me."
 
The next week the guy goes to the same bar and orders two beers this time. The puzzled bartender noticed. "Only two beers?  Did one of your friends die or something?" The guy responded,  "Nah. Since I quit yesterday, I'll only be drinking to them!"


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Copyright © 2004 Seko


Posted By: mamikon
Date Posted: 07-Sep-2006 at 23:39
Originally posted by Seko Seko wrote:

A guy went to the local bar and ordered three beers. As he quickly pounded them down the bartender said, "Hey Buddy, are you ok?" The guy replyed, "Sure. I always toast my two friends when they can't make it to the bar with me."
 
The next week the guy goes to the same bar and orders two beers this time. The puzzled bartender noticed. "Only two beers?  Did one of your friends die or something?" The guy responded,  "Nah. Since I quit yesterday, I'll only be drinking to them!"


LOL

That same setup was in an Armenian comedy series except he was drinking for only two people his friend and himself.




Posted By: Le Renard
Date Posted: 08-Sep-2006 at 13:09
Physics Joke:
 
A chemist and a physics guy were in a car together. Up ahead there was a train about to intersect their path. The chemist yelled "press the accelerator!" The Physics guy replied, "which one?"
LOL


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"History repeats itself because nobody listened the first time."


Posted By: Scorpius
Date Posted: 10-Sep-2006 at 01:12

Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows on my PC, told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows CD. To my astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned it on.

I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said "Do not worry, it is unharmed." After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said "Take a close look at it."

To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, in lines finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth.

4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C204F6E65204F5320746F
2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64207468656D

"I cannot read the fiery letters," I said. "No," he said, "but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says"

"One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."

Smile


Posted By: Paul
Date Posted: 10-Sep-2006 at 09:04

An engineer, a physicist, and a philosopher are shown a pasture
with a herd of  sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest
possible amount of fence.
 
The engineer is first.  He herds the sheep into a circle and then
puts the fence  around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least
fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."
 
The physicist is next.  She creates a circular fence of infinite
radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd,
declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."
 
The philosopher is last.  After giving the problem a little thought,
he puts a small fence around himself and then declares,
"I define myself to be on the outside!"


-------------
Light blue touch paper and stand well back

http://www.maquahuitl.co.uk - http://www.maquahuitl.co.uk

http://www.toltecitztli.co.uk - http://www.toltecitztli.co.uk


Posted By: Paul
Date Posted: 10-Sep-2006 at 09:07

> > > A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the
> > > following exchange:
> > >
> > > Officer:
> > > May I see your driver's license?
> > >
> > > Driver:
> > > I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got caught drink
> > > driving.
> > >
> > > Officer:
> > > May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
> > >
> > > Driver:
> > > It's not my car. I stole it.
> > >
> > > Officer:
> > > The car is stolen?
> > >
> > > Driver:
> > > That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the
> > > owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my
> > > gun in there.
> > >
> > > Officer:
> > > There's a gun in the glove box?
> > >
> > > Driver:
> > > Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the
> > > woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
> > >
> > > Officer:
> > > There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
> > >
> > > Driver:
> > > Yes, sir.
> > >
> > >
> > > Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
> > > The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the
> > > captain approached the driver to handle the tense
> > > situation:
> > >
> > > Captain:
> > > Sir, can I see your license?
> > >
> > > Driver:
> > > Sure. Here it is.
> > >
> > > It was valid.
> > >
> > > Captain:
> > > Who's car is this?
> > >
> > > Driver:
> > > It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
> > >
> > > The driver owned the car.
> > >
> > > Captain:
> > > Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a
> > > gun in it?
> > >
> > > Driver:
> > > Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
> > > Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
> > >
> > > Captain:
> > > Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said
> > > there's a body in it.
> > >
> > > Driver:
> > > No problem.
> > >
> > > Trunk is opened; no body.
> > >
> > > Captain:
> > > I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you
> > > told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun
> > > in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
> > >
> > >
> > > Driver:
> > > Yeah, I'll bet that Liar told you I was speeding too!!
 
 


-------------
Light blue touch paper and stand well back

http://www.maquahuitl.co.uk - http://www.maquahuitl.co.uk

http://www.toltecitztli.co.uk - http://www.toltecitztli.co.uk


Posted By: xristar
Date Posted: 11-Sep-2006 at 04:20
It is quite interesting that most of these jokes I've heard already in Greece. Is it that all people around the world create the same jokes, or that the jokes are the easiest stories to be spread?

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Defeat allows no explanation
Victory needs none.
It insults the dead when you treat life carelessly.


Posted By: Aelfgifu
Date Posted: 11-Sep-2006 at 04:59
Originally posted by xristar xristar wrote:

It is quite interesting that most of these jokes I've heard already in Greece. Is it that all people around the world create the same jokes, or that the jokes are the easiest stories to be spread?
 
Or perhaps these are the jokes that work in every language. It would be difficult to make others understand local jokes, or jokes referring to the collective memory of a nation or other group.
 
I recently read an article about a woman from a Dutch uni who had done research on humor and jokes. One of the things she did was compare popularity of comedyseries in different countries. She found out that in different countries people have a different sense of what humor is. In general, European humor is sharper and darker than Amercan humor, but I donot remember any specifics...


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Women hold their councils of war in kitchens: the knives are there, and the cups of coffee, and the towels to dry the tears.


Posted By: arch.buff
Date Posted: 13-Sep-2006 at 23:23

One day a man sits down at his favorite diner across from his house. He orders his food and start to read the days newspaper when a large man walks in with a huge duffel bag at sits right next to the man. The man cant resist and asks the gentleman what hes got inside the large bag. The gentleman whispers to the fellow that its a high power rifle and that hes a hired hit man. The man is shocked, hes never seen a hit man in real life so he asks the hit man if he can hold the gun and the hit man reluctantly agrees. "Look at the scope on this baby", replies the man. "I bet I can see my house from here". So the hit man tells him to walk outside and take a look.  "You sure can see my house, hell you can even see inside my bedroom. Theres my wife.....the TV's on......BOB! MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR!!! AHHH WHAT THE F***!!!".

"How much you charge for a hit?" The hit man tells him its a grand a bullet. So the poor man writes him out a check for $2,000 and tells him to shoot Bob in the d*ck, so he'll never forget it and his wife in the head to kill her. So the hit man sets up with his powerful scope and just sits for about 10 seconds until the man replies "Well, you gonna shoot em or not?" so the hit man tells him "What a minute.......I might be able to save you a grand"  
 


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Be a servant to all, that is a quality of a King.


Posted By: Quetzalcoatl
Date Posted: 14-Sep-2006 at 02:04

 

It's Saturday morning and John was just about to start a round of golf. He suddenly realised he had forgotten to tell his wife that the repair man was coming round at 12 noon to fix the dishwasher. He heads back to the clubhouse and phones home to tell her.

"Hello," says a little girl's voice.
"Hello, it's Daddy," Says John. "Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes I do and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!"

"Okay then, here's what I want you do. Put the phone down, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell out of the front window. Now she's all dead."

"Oh my God ... And what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared, and he jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the pool, and now he's all dead too."

There was a long pause then John said, "Swimming pool? ..... Is this 9234762?"



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Creativity is key


Posted By: Desimir
Date Posted: 18-Sep-2006 at 17:19
FYRO Macedonia declared war against USA.Surprissingly macedonians stroke first.A super secret macedonian stealth plane took off from secret base in Shar Mountain fled to New York and attacked the city with nuke.Americans didnt answer to this attack.After that a super secret macedonian sub appeared in Ohrid Lake and fired a few balistic missiles against LA.The City was tottaly destroyed.Macedonians asked americans to surrender but nobody answered.After that a hi tech sattelite with laser cannons destroyed Washington and macedonians again aksed americans to surrender.This time they recieved an answer from G.W.Bush and he said to macedonian president:
"You nasty macedonians,we will crush you if we find you on the map"

A joke for my bulgarian friends from macedonia.
    

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Tsars ruled the world


Posted By: xristar
Date Posted: 19-Sep-2006 at 04:18
Heh heh heh. Nice Desimir.

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Defeat allows no explanation
Victory needs none.
It insults the dead when you treat life carelessly.


Posted By: Desimir
Date Posted: 19-Sep-2006 at 05:56
Here is another one.

Former american president Bil Clinton died and went to heaven.One day he asked god to let him go down on earth and see what was happening.And god agreed.So Clinton returned to earth and he found himself in a LA suburbs.Bill entered into the first bar he saw and asked the barman "Who won , our guys" and the barman answered
"Of course that we won".And Clinton began to celebrate the prosperity of his nation.After a couple of drinks he realize that he should return to heaven and asked about the bill.
The barman told him "just 50 roubles".
    

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Tsars ruled the world


Posted By: fdsa
Date Posted: 19-Sep-2006 at 16:46
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade
especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of
Her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently ageing, but still a warm
and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past
mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are
un-patrolled.
The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all
conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is, but
no one wants to go there.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 and 70 a man is like the USA - ruled by a dick.


Posted By: Northman
Date Posted: 19-Sep-2006 at 19:13
LOL
fdsa - you better duck when you make posts like that....  Morthy could be looking over the fence, and then you'd be in big truble  Wink
 
***************
 
Præsident Jimmy Carter once spotted a strange sight from his yacht...  2 white males in a row-boat, pulling a black guy on watersskies working really hard to keep him surfaced, and Carter was so impressed that he sailed over to them and said to the white guys:
"Thats impressive - please meet me in the oval office on monday. I will reward each of you a medal for outstanding conduct in respect to human rights and race-equality - you make me proud to be an American"
 
He sailed on and as they started rowing again, the first white guy said:
"Nice guy our president - he knows a lot about human rights"

"Yes" said the other guy - "But he doesnt know anything about fishing sharks" 
 
 


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Posted By: Desimir
Date Posted: 20-Sep-2006 at 10:52
Edit

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Tsars ruled the world


Posted By: Aelfgifu
Date Posted: 20-Sep-2006 at 11:55
I'm not particularly amused by antisemitic jokes. Very bad taste.

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Women hold their councils of war in kitchens: the knives are there, and the cups of coffee, and the towels to dry the tears.


Posted By: flyingzone
Date Posted: 20-Sep-2006 at 15:04
That "joke" is extremely offensive. Angry
 
I am not trying to be politically correct here. But I cannot stand anyone trivializing any kind of genocides and massacres. If that were humour at all, it's humour of the most tasteless kind.
 
Shame on you.


Posted By: Desimir
Date Posted: 20-Sep-2006 at 15:57
Ok,Ok i'm very ashamed.It was very rude.It wont happen again.
    

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Tsars ruled the world


Posted By: Timotheus
Date Posted: 20-Sep-2006 at 21:30
This one originated just before World Cup 2006.

It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. “What’s up?” he asks.

“Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it’s important but it’s only England. They’re rubbish and we can’t be bothered.”

Ronaldinho looks at them and says, “Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself-you lads go down the pub.” So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on.

A big cheer goes up as the screen reads “Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 0”. He is beating England all by himself! A few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, “It must be full time now, let’s see how he got on.” They put the teletext on.

“Result from the Stadium ‘Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)’.”

They can’t believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. “I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down.”

“Don’t be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!”

“No, no, I have. I’ve let you down…I got sent off after 12 minutes.”


Posted By: Desimir
Date Posted: 23-Sep-2006 at 05:24
A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her.
      Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, "Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move."
      The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model."
      Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, "I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back."
      The blonde replies, sweetly, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model" -- and shows no signs of moving.
      Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class.
      Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear.
      Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment. Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, "Captain, I'm impressed ... what did you say to her?"
      The captain grinned slyly and said, "I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York."

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Tsars ruled the world


Posted By: mamikon
Date Posted: 23-Sep-2006 at 12:39


Posted By: Desimir
Date Posted: 23-Sep-2006 at 16:02
Local cowboys were sitting in a tavern and drinking their whiskey.After a while another cowboy entered and said:
-Save yourself.The white Billy is coming!..-then he fall and died.
But cowboys didn’t pay much attention to him.After a few minutes a second cowboys entered and said:
-Save yourself.The white Billy is coming and he kill and steal everything on his way!-and then fall and died.But cowboys didn’t pay much attention again.But suddenly a huge cowboy dressed in white clothes entered with two revolvers and shouted.
-Put all your money on the tables and put the hands up.
Everybody took their purses and left them on the tables.The white cowboy gathered all the money and on his way out he said to others:
-And better save yourself because the white Billy is coming.


-------------
Tsars ruled the world


Posted By: ulrich von hutten
Date Posted: 23-Sep-2006 at 17:15
an old muslim man ,living in chicago, is calling his son, who's studiing in paris. :" Son, i like to dig up my potatoe acre at the backyard of our house." His Son replies:" No Dad , don't do it, don't you remember what we dig years ago?"
Two hours later, the house at chicago was surrounded by the cia, fbi, marines and what ever excists at the us-homeland security. they dig inch for inch but couldn't find anything.
at the evening the son called his dad and said: ok, i think you mustn't dig your acre anymore ,that's what i could do for you, so far away from home."


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http://imageshack.us">


Posted By: Aelfgifu
Date Posted: 24-Sep-2006 at 07:52
LOL I know one just like it...
 

WHO SAYS REDNECKS AREN'T REAL BRIGHT??
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Billy Bob and leave. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, buddy."



-------------

Women hold their councils of war in kitchens: the knives are there, and the cups of coffee, and the towels to dry the tears.


Posted By: Goban
Date Posted: 24-Sep-2006 at 08:42
A man walks into a bar and notices a rather large pile of money on a table. He asks the bartender what it is for while ordering his drink.
 
The bartender explained that it was for a contest and the first person to complete it will win all the cash. The obstacles include knocking out a huge bouncer with one punch, there is also is a rabid rottwieler in the back yard with a bad tooth that he must extract and finally there is an old woman upstairs who has never known a man…
 
The man looks at the large bouncer with fear and continues drinking…
 
After a few hours of drinking his liquid courage, the man springs from his bar stool and slugs the bouncer square in the chin and knocks him out! He then runs outside and confronts the rabid dog. The noise of the chaos is horrendous and lasts for quite some time. Then, after a while, the man emerges from the back door with his cloths torn to shreds and bleeding from various wounds he asks “Ok, now, where’s the old woman with the tooth ache?”
 
 


-------------
The sharpest spoon in the drawer.


Posted By: fdsa
Date Posted: 24-Sep-2006 at 09:58
A gay man, a straight man and a greedy man all die and show up at the Gates of Heaven at once. St. Peter welcomes them to his desk and then begins flipping through their files. "Hmmm..." he says. "Apparently, one of you liked men, one of you loved money, and one of you couldn't stop fornicating with women! This is bad, let me call God."

So St. Peter calls God, not really wanting to send three otherwise good men to Hell at once, and God himself comes to talk to them. "Okay," God says, "I'm going to put each of you three men through a test to try to resist the sinful thing that got you a ticket to Hell. If you can pass this test, you'll get into Heaven. If you fail, then you'll hear a loud POOF, and you'll be in Hell."

So the men agree, and the first man up is the straight man. In front of him is the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen in his life. He tried to resist, but he just couldn't do it. He began unclothing her...


POOF!

He went to Hell.

So the greedy man step up for his test, and in front of him, on the ground, is a billion dollar check, ready to be cashed by him. He can't resist, he bends over to pick it up...

POOF!

POOF!


Posted By: Aelfgifu
Date Posted: 24-Sep-2006 at 16:33

All the organs of the body were having a meeting trying to decide who was the one in charge.

I should be in charge" said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge" said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge" said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.


The Moral of the story?  The asshole is usually in charge.


-------------

Women hold their councils of war in kitchens: the knives are there, and the cups of coffee, and the towels to dry the tears.


Posted By: Goban
Date Posted: 25-Sep-2006 at 05:43

A penguin was driving through the hot desert when she noticed smoke billowing from under the hood of her car. When she reached the nearest town, she stopped at a gas station and asked the mechanic to take a look at it. He said “Sorry ma’am, this may take a while. You are more than welcome to wait in the lobby or maybe you can come back in a few hours.”

 
Upset about her car and very uncomfortable in the heat, the penguin decided to go to the local air-conditioned supermarket to wait out her mechanic. When inside, she noticed a very large freezer filled with an assortment of ice-cream, so she hopped in...
 
About three hours and three half gallons later she decided to go and check on her car. The mechanic, with a look of concern said “Sorry ma’am but it looks like you’ve blown a seal.”
 
The penguin, immediately blushed with embarrassment and said “No, no! Its ice-cream I swear!!”
 
 
 


-------------
The sharpest spoon in the drawer.


Posted By: Desimir
Date Posted: 25-Sep-2006 at 12:44
A guy who was going home in midnight decided to take the shortcut through the local graveyard.Suddenly he heard a strange noise.He saw in front of him some oldman with hammer and chisel to nail something on a grave’s monument.
-Hey oldman ,you scared me.I thought that it was some ghost.What are you doing here in this time of the night?
And the oldman:
-Some idiots wrote my name on the gravestone wrong and I decided to fix it.


-------------
Tsars ruled the world


Posted By: JanusRook
Date Posted: 02-Oct-2006 at 09:22
Not a joke per se but I thought that this was pretty funny:
 
Scientists have wrapped copper wire around Che Guevara's body and surrounded him with magnets. This is because he is turning over in his grave so rapidly due to the commercialization of his image that he now powers most of South and Central America by himself. He is thus the most prolific revolutionary in the history of the world, making over 200 revolutions per second
From http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Che_Guevara - Uncyclopedia


-------------
Economic Communist, Political Progressive, Social Conservative.

Unless otherwise noted source is wiki.


Posted By: Eondt
Date Posted: 02-Oct-2006 at 09:49
How do you gain perpetual motion?
 
You strap a piece of toast butter-side up to a cat's back and drop it.


Posted By: Aelfgifu
Date Posted: 03-Oct-2006 at 09:42

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday the priest took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's



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Women hold their councils of war in kitchens: the knives are there, and the cups of coffee, and the towels to dry the tears.


Posted By: Cywr
Date Posted: 03-Oct-2006 at 11:29
Taffy pulling Shocked

-------------
Arrrgh!!"


Posted By: Aelfgifu
Date Posted: 11-Oct-2006 at 14:22
Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that the women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
 
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom. Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The women looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation, said "Land mines."

Moral of the story: Behind every man is a smart woman.



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Women hold their councils of war in kitchens: the knives are there, and the cups of coffee, and the towels to dry the tears.


Posted By: vulkan02
Date Posted: 11-Oct-2006 at 23:03
Once upon a time the Emperor of Japan lost one of his most skilled samurai guards in a battle and went seeking for a new one. After much search he got down to three men, two of whom were native Japanes and one a Japanese Jew. He gathered them all so they could demonstrate their skill with the katana...

...and he asked the first one... "What can you do?
The samurai noticed a fly buzzing around, concentrated on the insect and with one quick stroke cut it in half! The Emperor was very impressed!

The second samurai stepped forward and noticed another fly. Like the first he concentrated but gave it two slashes instead of one hence cutting the fly into three parts! The Emperor was almost convinced that this was the man for the job but decided to give the Jew a chance...

Finally the Jew advanced and isolated a fly nearby ready to deliver it from life. He made one quick attack with the sword but strangely nothing happened and the fly remained intact! The Emperor asked him if he missed and the Jew responded that instead of killing the fly he had circumcised it.

The Jew got the job...Big smile



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The beginning of a revolution is in reality the end of a belief - Le Bon
Destroy first and construction will look after itself - Mao


Posted By: Aelfgifu
Date Posted: 15-Oct-2006 at 10:27

New Euro language in the Works
The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place



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Women hold their councils of war in kitchens: the knives are there, and the cups of coffee, and the towels to dry the tears.


Posted By: Cezar
Date Posted: 16-Oct-2006 at 16:07
God and Jesus are just sittin nback and relaxing waychin HBO. Suddenly the bell door.
"Who could be at this hour. Why don't you go and see Son?"
Jesus mumbles but he eventually straith himself up, goes to the front door opens it and there, in all His splendid features, is Allah.
Jesus looks at him and then shouts:
" Hey, Dad, did you ordered shaorma?"
 
*BTW what's the difference between a cat and a steamer?


Posted By: ulrich von hutten
Date Posted: 16-Oct-2006 at 16:57

Two elder ladies are ringing at the door. A young boy opens. One of the ladies asks: Do you have anything to give for the local Orphanage ? The boy said: Please wait" and goes back into the house. Suddenly two shotswere fired and a few seconds later the boy is back and said: Now you can take me.



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http://imageshack.us">


Posted By: Cezar
Date Posted: 16-Oct-2006 at 17:06
Two fishermen with their lines.  Suddenly the first one got a bite, he struglles  for some time the he pulls out of the water a beautiful mermaid. He grabs her, look at her for some time then he throws her back into the ocean. The second guy startled asks him:
"Why?"
The first one answers:
"How?"


Posted By: mamikon
Date Posted: 16-Oct-2006 at 17:15
Originally posted by Cezar Cezar wrote:

God and Jesus are just sittin nback and relaxing waychin HBO. Suddenly the bell door.
"Who could be at this hour. Why don't you go and see Son?"
Jesus mumbles but he eventually straith himself up, goes to the front door opens it and there, in all His splendid features, is Allah.
Jesus looks at him and then shouts:
" Hey, Dad, did you ordered shaorma?"
 
*BTW what's the difference between a cat and a steamer?


dont get it Confused


Posted By: Cezar
Date Posted: 16-Oct-2006 at 17:46
Originally posted by mamikon mamikon wrote:

Originally posted by Cezar Cezar wrote:

God and Jesus are just sittin nback and relaxing waychin HBO. Suddenly the bell door.
"Who could be at this hour. Why don't you go and see Son?"
Jesus mumbles but he eventually straith himself up, goes to the front door opens it and there, in all His splendid features, is Allah.
Jesus looks at him and then shouts:
" Hey, Dad, did you ordered shaorma?"
 
*BTW what's the difference between a cat and a steamer?


dont get it Confused
 
What is it that zou don't get?


Posted By: mamikon
Date Posted: 16-Oct-2006 at 22:15
the Allah shaorma connection...but its ok


here is a bio joke:

what is the sexiest part of mitosis?

the cleavage furrow


Posted By: Ponce de Leon
Date Posted: 17-Oct-2006 at 11:52
There are two hippos in the tub. One of the hippos says "pass the soap." The other says, "not soap! Radio!"


Posted By: Seko
Date Posted: 17-Oct-2006 at 12:16
Forgive me for not deciphering your latest Poncism. Radio?

-------------
Copyright © 2004 Seko


Posted By: mamikon
Date Posted: 17-Oct-2006 at 12:43

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good"? I said "no, I made a few mistakes"

A hydrogen atom Walks into a bar, looks at the bartender and says I think I just lost an electron. The bartender says are you sure, and hydrogen atom goes "I'm positive!"



Posted By: mamikon
Date Posted: 17-Oct-2006 at 12:43
Schroedinger and Heisenberg are driving in a car, and they hit a dog.

Schroedinger: "Is it dead?"

Heisenberg:  "I can't be certain."


Posted By: arch.buff
Date Posted: 17-Oct-2006 at 19:18
Originally posted by Cezar Cezar wrote:

God and Jesus are just sittin nback and relaxing waychin HBO. Suddenly the bell door.
"Who could be at this hour. Why don't you go and see Son?"
Jesus mumbles but he eventually straith himself up, goes to the front door opens it and there, in all His splendid features, is Allah.
Jesus looks at him and then shouts:
" Hey, Dad, did you ordered shaorma?"
 
*BTW what's the difference between a cat and a steamer?
 
I dont get this either? Whats Shaorma?


-------------
Be a servant to all, that is a quality of a King.


Posted By: Balaam
Date Posted: 18-Oct-2006 at 02:26
Shoarma aka Shawarma is a Döner kebab

-------------
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Taking new requests for your message to be here!


Posted By: Kapikulu
Date Posted: 18-Oct-2006 at 06:33
http://www.allempires.justgotowned.com - http://www.allempires.justgotowned.com

-------------
We gave up your happiness
Your hope would be enough;
we couldn't find neither;
we made up sorrows for ourselves;
we couldn't be consoled;

A Strange Orhan Veli


Posted By: Ponce de Leon
Date Posted: 18-Oct-2006 at 23:29
Originally posted by Seko Seko wrote:

Forgive me for not deciphering your latest Poncism. Radio?

    Say it outloud to yourself 10 times.


Posted By: mamikon
Date Posted: 02-Nov-2006 at 09:57

In the Red Square in Moscow, a line is snaking toward the Lenin's tomb. A change of guard is watched by the onlookers. A kid asks, "Daddy, why do they always keep guard at the tomb?"

"Didn't you hear what they say all the time? Lenin lived, Lenin is alive, Lenin will live forever. What if , God forbid, he is indeed alive, and decides to walk out of the tomb?"


Posted By: mamikon
Date Posted: 02-Nov-2006 at 09:57

Once Stalin received a delegation of workers from the Urals. When the workers left, Stalin looked around for his pipe but did not see it. He called the Chairman of the KGB Lavrentiy Beria and said, "Lavrentiy Pavlovich, my pipe disappeared after the visit of those workers."

"Yes, Yosif Vissarionovich, I'll immediately take proper measures."

Ten minutes later, Stalin pulled out a drawer in his desk and saw his pipe. He struck a match, puffed out a ring of smoke, and dialed Beria's number.

"Lavrentiy Pavlovich, my pipe's been found."

"What a pity," Beria said. "All of them have already confessed."


Posted By: mamikon
Date Posted: 02-Nov-2006 at 09:58

There was an international competition for the best book about elephants.

France submitted a lavishly illustrated volume titled "Love triangles in the elephants' families."

England presented a treatise "Elephants and the World Trade."

Germany submitted 24 volume set under the title "Introduction into elephantology."

The USA furnished one million copies of a leaflet announcing a sweepstakes, "Win an Elephant. No purchase necessary."

The USSR sent three volumes, with the following titles,

Vol. 1. Role of elephants in the Great October Socialist Revolution.

Vol. 2. The happy life of elephants under the sun of the most progressive in the world Soviet Constitution.

Vol. 3. Russia - the Motherland of elephants.


Posted By: mamikon
Date Posted: 02-Nov-2006 at 10:00

A mummy was found in Egypt. The archaeologists could not determine its origin. Then a Soviet advisor offered his help. The mummy was delivered to the Soviet embassy. In two hours the Soviet advisor appeared and said, "His name was Amenkhotep 23 rd."

"How did you find out?"

"He confessed," the advisor said.


Posted By: mamikon
Date Posted: 02-Nov-2006 at 10:01

A Russian, a Frenchman and an American argued who was the bravest man. The American said, "For example, we take ten cars of which one has no brakes. We throw dice, each of us gets a car, we drive on a mountain road. Afterwards one of us is in a hospital, and the other nine visit him there."

"That's nothing," the Frenchman said. "We choose ten girls and one of them has AIDS. We throw dice and each one of us gets a girl, and we make love to them throughout the night. Afterwards one of us is in a hospital, and the other nine visit him."

The Russian said, "We gather in an apartment, even though we know that one of us must be an informer. We tell political jokes throughout the night, and then nine are in jail, and one visits the nine there."


Posted By: mamikon
Date Posted: 02-Nov-2006 at 10:03

A guard asked a political prisoner, "What is your term?"

"Ten years."

"What for?"

"For nothing."

"What a lie! For nothing they give only five years."


Posted By: mamikon
Date Posted: 02-Nov-2006 at 10:05

A woman walks into a food store. "Do you have any meat?"

"No, we don't."

"What about milk?"

"We only deal with meat. Across the street there is that store where they have no milk."



Posted By: aska_lankas
Date Posted: 10-Nov-2006 at 10:18
inside a travel agency the manager saw two elderly people examining a leaflet that was far too much for them on thier pension. so the manager walked over to them and said " listen i know that on your small pension you cannot afford a holiday of that price, so i am going to give you a holiday with the lot, 7 nights accomodation in a 5 star hotel, all expenses paid for and $5000 spending money. so the two went on the holiday and all was fine. 2 weeks later the manager saw the old lady and asked her how the holiday was. she replied "the holiday was fine but can you tell me who that old guy you sent me with was"


Posted By: Dan Carkner
Date Posted: 13-Nov-2006 at 11:57
Heh heh, some of those are pretty good.  I just have one that I heard on Québec radio sometime this fall..
 
Y'a un touriste Allemand qui s'était retrouvé dans un coin lointain du Québec..Il est arrêté pour demander des directions de deux gars Québecois..
"Sprechen sie deutsch?"
Les deux Québecois lui regardent et disent rien.
"Eu..Spreek je nederlanders?"
".."
"Hablan ustedes Español?"
"...."
"Do you speak..English?" a dit l'Allemand.
Encore les deux gars lui regardent. Finalement l'Allemand s'en va.

"Hey, Claude.." dis le Québecois. "Penses-tu qu'on devrait apprendre une autre langue..?"

"Non-non," dis l'autre, "'garde, lui y'en connassait quatres pis ça lui a rien donné!"
 
 
------
A German tourist finds himself lost in a backwater rural part of Quebec.  He finally gives up and pulls over when he sees two local guys walking along the side of the road.
"Hello, do you speak English?" he says.
The two men stare blankly at him.
"Sprechen sie deutsch..?" he asks.
Again they say nothing and shrug.
"Uhh.. Spreek je nederlanders?"
The two Québecois look at each other, baffled.
"Hablan ustedes Español?", says the German, feebly.
Again they shrug.
Finally, in despair he drives away.
 
"Hey, Claude.." says one of the men in French.  "Don't you think we should learn another language someday?"
 
"Nah," responds Claude, "Look at that guy, he speaks 4 languages and it didn't get him anywhere!"


Posted By: babyblue
Date Posted: 29-Dec-2006 at 10:29
After the war, an RAF pilot reflects on his days in the service with a group of schoolchildren.

"In 1942," he tells them, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared."

At this point, several children giggle at the pilot's strong accent.

"I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

Now, the girls in the room start to giggle and boys start to laugh. A teacher states "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"

"That's true," says the retired pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."


-------------


Posted By: bagelofdoom
Date Posted: 30-Dec-2006 at 05:00
Here's a joke regarding my particular educational institution's rivals.  You can change the names in your head to whatever is funniest, it'll still work. 

A Coug and a Husky met head-on in a collison and both miraculously survived. Both agreed that this was a sign to end the bitter rivalry and the Husky opened his trunk, took out a half-full bottle of whisky and gave the Coug a few celabratory swigs. He then replaced the cap and put the bottle back in his trunk. The Coug asked, "Aren't you going to take a few swigs to celebrate this glorious moment?" "Sure, right after the state troopers get here."


Posted By: aska_lankas
Date Posted: 31-Dec-2006 at 15:03
George W Bush was making a speech at a primary school and at the end of it he asked if anyone had any questions. One little boy put his hand up and Bush says "yes whats your name?" the boy replies " my name is billy and i have 3 questions, why did we start a war with Iraq?,Why are there still troops in Iraq?, And why are you president when kerry got more votes than you?" at that moment the recess bell went and all the kids went to recess. When they came back in Bush asked if anyone had any questions,and another boy put his hand up. Bush said "whats your name son?" the boy replied "tim, and i have 5 questions, Why did we start a war with Iraq?,Why are there still troops in Iraq?,Why are you president when kerry got more votes than you?,Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?,and wheres billy?.


Posted By: Balaam
Date Posted: 14-Jan-2007 at 07:45
Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungee Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets.

Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea." After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back.

As he came back up Zeke noticed that his cloths were torn and wondered what that was all about.

Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding. Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here." Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body.

Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"

Zeb groaned, "I don't know...but what's a pinata??

-------------
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Posted By: Paul
Date Posted: 14-Jan-2007 at 10:11
  The Jack Schitt story
  ---------------------
 
  For some time many of us have
  wondered just who is Jack Schitt?  We
  find ourselves at a loss when someone
  says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
  Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts,
  you can now respond in an intellectual way.
 
  Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
  Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married
  O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
  They had one son, Jack.
 
  In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
  The deeply religious couple produced
  six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt,
  Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins
  Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.  Against her
  parents' objections, Deap Schitt married
  Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
 
  After being married 15 years, Jack and
  Noe Schitt divorced.  Noe Schitt later
  married Ted Sherlock, and, because her
  kids were living with them, she wanted to
  keep her previous name. She was then known
  as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
 
  Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,
  and they produced a son with a rather
  nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
  Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt
  and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
  childhood and subsequently married the
  Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
  The wedding announcement in the newspaper
  announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
 
  The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg,
  Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal
  son, left home to tour the world. He recently
  returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa
  Schitt.
 
  Now, when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt,"
  you can correct them.


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Light blue touch paper and stand well back

http://www.maquahuitl.co.uk - http://www.maquahuitl.co.uk

http://www.toltecitztli.co.uk - http://www.toltecitztli.co.uk


Posted By: Balaam
Date Posted: 15-Jan-2007 at 08:55
This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the bartender. The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons "46!!" Everyone starts to laugh- Again he shouts out "39!!" Now the patrons are getting even louder in laughing. Lastly, he shouts "14!!" Now, people are wiping tears from their eyes from all the laughing. The visitor is curious, so he asks the bartender "What is going on?" The bartender says "This is a small town, with small impressionable children, and so we had decided to put numbers to our naughty jokes rather than tell them in full" The visitor is astounded "Let me try!!" he says- So he shouts "46!!" Nothing happens "39!!" Still nothing. "14!!" and yet still not a sound from the patrons. The visitor says to the bartender "I don't understand. I used exactly the same numbers you did and got a completely opposite response. The bartender replied, "Well, some folks can tell a joke, and some folks can't"

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Posted By: Balaam
Date Posted: 15-Jan-2007 at 08:57
Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I think I could fly." The second guy says "No Way!" So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk out to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies back to the top of the cliff.
The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too." So all three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has another beer. After he finished, he said "Ok, I will be able to fly now" So they all went outside and the second guy jumped off of the cliff and feel to the bottom, where he hit the ground and died instantly. The third guy turned to the first guy and said "You know Superman, you are a real jerk when you drink." 

-------------
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Posted By: babyblue
Date Posted: 15-Jan-2007 at 09:15
Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, ‘That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?’

Kathy takes a sniff and replies, ‘That is nice. What's it called?’

‘Viens a moi,’ replies Nancy.

‘Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?’

At this stage the assistant offers some help. ‘Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French.’

Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, ‘That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?’


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Posted By: Krum
Date Posted: 15-Jan-2007 at 14:22
This joke is for my greek friends here.Please,dont offend.

Question:What happens when a greek with erection walks toward a wall?
Answer:He hits his nose into the wall.

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It is only the dead who have seen the end of war.
Plato


Posted By: Timotheus
Date Posted: 18-Jan-2007 at 00:36
Originally posted by aska_lankas aska_lankas wrote:

And why are you president when kerry got more votes than you?" at that moment the recess bell went and all the kids went to recess.


Bush beat Kerry in a fair fight, it was Al Gore who got more votes than him LOL


-------------
Opium is the religion of the masses.

From each according to his need, to each according to his ability.


Posted By: Justinian
Date Posted: 18-Jan-2007 at 03:04
A guy from my church told me a good one recently that a Jewish professor told him:
A Catholic, Protestant and a Jew tell each other how they celebrate christmas, the Catholic says he goes to mass on Christmas Eve and opens presents later that night, the protestant says he goes to church on Christmas Eve and opens presents on Christmas day, the Jew says he closes the store at 9 in the evening, brings the cash register home and sits around it with the family singing we have a friend in Jesus.


-------------
"War is a cowardly escape from the problems of peace."--Thomas Mann



Posted By: pekau
Date Posted: 18-Jan-2007 at 21:31

You've got to see this scary website. It talks about why water is so evil.

http://www.angelfire.com/apes/watersucks/ - http://www.angelfire.com/apes/watersucks/
 
They claim that they update sometime regualry, but they have not done so for more than 2 years... so don't bother mailing him.


-------------
http://swagbucks.com/refer/Malachi">      
   
Join us.


Posted By: Liudovik_Nemski
Date Posted: 20-Jan-2007 at 17:46
-What is a communist?
-Someone who has read Marx and Lenin
-What is an anticommunist?
-Someone who understood themBig%20smile


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Posted By: Dolphin
Date Posted: 07-Feb-2007 at 08:10
Ever caught kissing someone you shouldn't be? Try Chico Marx's excuse:
"I wasn't kissing her, I was just whispering in her mouth"
 
lol


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Am not I Dametas? Why, am not I Dametas?


Posted By: Denis
Date Posted: 07-Feb-2007 at 12:52
Thats a good one. Sorta reminds me of good ol Bill
 
I did not have sexual relations with that woman


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"Death belongs to God alone. By what right do men touch that unknown thing"

Victor Hugo


Posted By: Kerimoglu
Date Posted: 07-Feb-2007 at 14:13

World Bank gave 1 million dollar to 2 engineers - one Azerbaijani and one Englishman. Asked them to built bridges - English engineer in London, Azerbaijani engineer in Baku. They gave them 3 months. The money was grant. After 3 month they wen to london. Experts were welcomed by an Englishman and were invited for a great dinner decorated with all kind of Britain food and beer. They asked him: Man, how rich u're. How were u able to affort all of those stuff. He showed the city to experts, through his window, and told: See that bridge??

-Yeah..
-I bouilt it for 800 000 dollars and kept the rest for myself.
 
They applouded and congratulated him. Then came to Baku. A black Maybach greeted them at the Airport and took to Azerbaijani engineers villa. It was 5 stored, forty rooms, with summer and winter bath, with golden touilets and so on. They asked, dude, what the hell? How did u become a richchy??
-Yeah, well, see that River?
-Yeahh.....
-See the bridge on it??
-Noop
-Oh, there should be a bridge.


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History is a farm. Nations are farmers. What they planted before will show what is going to grow tomorrow!


Posted By: pekau
Date Posted: 14-Feb-2007 at 01:13
Cows & Politics Explained

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:  You have two cows.  You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST:  You have two cows.  The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN:  You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT:  You have two cows.  Your neighbor has none.  You feel guilty for being successful.  You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.  The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST:  You have two cows.  The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST:  You have two cows.  The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:  You have two cows.  The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:  You have two cows.  You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:  You have two cows.  The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.  You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  They are mad.  They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.  You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:  You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You enter into a partnership with an American corporation.  Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:  There are these two Jewish cows, right?  They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  That one on the left is kinda cute.


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Join us.


Posted By: DukeC
Date Posted: 16-Apr-2007 at 01:15
This joke was written by a CPA(Coalition Provisional Authority) staffer in 2004, I think it captures the nature of the Iraq war well.
 
Question: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
 
CPA: The fact that the chicken crossed the road shows that decision making authority has switched to the chicken in advance of the scheduled June 30th transition of power. From now on the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.
 
Halliburton: We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost $326,004.
 
Shiite cleric Moqtada Al-Sadr: The chicken was a tool of the evil coalition and will be killed.
 
U.S. Army military police: We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and then plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurance of any chicken-rights violations.
 
Peshmerga: The chicken had to cross the road, and will continue to cross the road, to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself. However, in the future to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck, and will wear a plastic bill.
 
Al-Jazeera: The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers, according to witnesses. The chicken was then fired apon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.
 
CIA: We cannot confirm or deny any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident.
 
Translator: Chicken he cross street because bad she tangle regulation. Future chicken table against my request.
 
 


Posted By: Dolphin
Date Posted: 26-Apr-2007 at 06:37
Renee Descartes walks into a bar, right? he sits in front of the barman and the barman asks, 'would you like a martini sir?'
 
Descartes says, ''i don't think....'' and he disappeared.


-------------
Am not I Dametas? Why, am not I Dametas?


Posted By: Renee Katz
Date Posted: 27-Apr-2007 at 22:16
What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehova's Witness? 
Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.


-------------
http://thebaron.comicgenesis.com - Comic / http://thebaron.comicgenesis.com/rss.xml - RSS / http://industrialists.blogspot.com - Blog


Posted By: Wolf Turk
Date Posted: 08-May-2007 at 21:35
They were all bloody GreatLOLLOLLOLThumbs%20Up

-------------
ALLWAYS IN A PAC


Posted By: Athanasios
Date Posted: 10-May-2007 at 11:06
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfZgr2IfzmY - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfZgr2IfzmY
LOLLOL

-------------



Posted By: Balain d Ibelin
Date Posted: 11-May-2007 at 06:46

question-What is first, Chicken or egg??

answer-Egg first, because Chicken know about eggs, while eggs doesn't know about Chicken.

 
 
 
 
And here's an old Joke:
There is a shepherd, he had 100 Sheeps. One day, when he brought his sheeps back to his home, he mount on 1 sheep, then in the way, he check his sheeps while he's still mounting on the sheep. He checked it "96...97....98....99. Wait! One is missing!" Then he dismount from the sheep, he count again "98...99...100. None is missing!Good!" then he mount on the sheep again then, half the way, he stops and check it again, he found 99 again. Then he dismount again, and he found it 100 again.
 
In anger, the Shepherd said "aah..!! Better I walk then mount on one sheep so I couldn't miss one"LOL


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"Good quality will be known among your enemies, before you ever met them my friend"Trobadourre de Crusadier Crux


Posted By: Omar al Hashim
Date Posted: 01-Jun-2007 at 05:17
>                 A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed
> her for February and March for their annual service charges on 
> her credit card,
> and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
>                 The balance, which had been $0.00, now is somewhere 
> around
> $60.00.
>
>                 _A family member placed a call to ANZ:_
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "The account was never closed and the late fees and
>                  charges still apply."
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "Since it is two months past due, it already has 
> been."
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "Either report her account to the frauds division or
>                 report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "Excuse me?"
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the
> part about her being dead?"

>                 ANZ:
>                 "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
>
>                 _Supervisor gets on the phone:_
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "The account was never closed and the late fees and
>                 charges still apply."
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 (Stammer)    "Are you her lawyer?"
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "No, I'm her great nephew."
>                 (Lawyer info given)
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "Sure."
>                 (fax number is given)
>
>                 _After they get the fax:_
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't
> know what more I can do to help."
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "Well, if you figure it out, great!
>                 If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't
> think she will care."
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "Would you like her new billing address?"
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "That might help."
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 " Rookwood Memorial Cemetery ,
>                 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney
>                 Plot  Number 69."
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

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"O Byzantines! If success is your desire and if you seek right guidance and want your empire to remain then give the pledge to this Prophet"
~ Heraclius, Roman Emperor


Posted By: Aelfgifu
Date Posted: 01-Jun-2007 at 05:28
OMG, is that real? LOL
 
I've read similar stories in the papers here... How dumb do corporations get....
"Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."


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Women hold their councils of war in kitchens: the knives are there, and the cups of coffee, and the towels to dry the tears.


Posted By: Praetor
Date Posted: 01-Jun-2007 at 09:47
Apparently the following qoutes are actual transcripts put to witnesses during examination and cross-examination.

1. "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

3. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

4. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

5. "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
         -- No.
"Did you check for blood pressure?"
         -- No.
"Did you check for breathing?"
         -- No.
"So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
         -- No.
"How can you be so sure, doctor?"
      -- Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
"But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
         -- It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Those were five of the best from a sheet I recieved at the begining of my Legal studies course. Absolute gold.....LOLLOLLOL

Regards, Praetor.


-------------
Common sense is not common.

I do not subscribe to a school of thought, I subscribe to thought.



Posted By: ulrich von hutten
Date Posted: 02-Jun-2007 at 04:58
That's life...
 
A man called the Customer service of the Icelandic Mail.
 
Customer: Could you please tell me the post-code of the chinese town a-rau ?
 
Agent: What was the name ?
 
Customer: A-rau.
 
Agent,looking in his systems: Sorry, Sir, can't find a town like that.
 
Customer: Oh, dear, that's Icelandic mail. Send a letter to keflavik and it   will last half a year. Ask for a post-zip of China and everyone is overburden.
(Customer produced the usual execrations) Come on, want to talk to your supervisor.
 
Agent: Sir, are you sure the town is in China ? Have you any other details for your assumpton?
 
Customer: Guy, what do you think ? I'm an Idiot ? I recived a letter from China. The country symbol is CH.
 
Agent: Sir, that symbol is for Swiss. The town is probably in Swiss.
 
Customer (shouting): That's enough. Do you think i can't differ Chna and Swiss ?
 
Agent: The post-zip of Arau in Swiss is 12345. Arau is a Swiss town.
 
Customer: Ok,ok Swiss than, but you should have known it much earlier,ninny-hammer. (ringed
 off)
 
(you can hear that quiet) Agent: f**king Bastard.
 


-------------

http://imageshack.us">


Posted By: DukeC
Date Posted: 07-Jun-2007 at 16:50

From a computer tech support call in the late 1990s.

Techie: How can I help you?
 
Customer: My computer won't work.
 
T: Ok, first off, is it plugged in.
 
C: Yup.
 
T: And all the software installed?
 
C: It came with the software.
 
T: And nothing happens when you hit the power button?
 
C: No
 
T: Ok, I want you to look at the back of the computer to check the connections.
 
C: I can't.
 
T: Why?
 
C: I can't see the back of my computer.
 
T: Why can't you see the back of your computer?
 
C: The power's out and there's no light.
 
Long pause
 
Techie: Ok, this is what I want you to do. Pack your computer up in its box and take it back to the store where you bought it. When you get there tell the clerk you want your money back because YOU"RE TOO F**KING STUPID TO USE A COMPUTER.
 
 
 


Posted By: babyblue
Date Posted: 13-Jun-2007 at 11:52

  Ok ok...I've just received this from my assistant manager from work. Pretty sick Aussie humour.

A man was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the
scene found the man face down in his bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes. A banana was
sticking out of his arse.

Police suspect a cereal killer.



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