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Forum LockedJokes of the day

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Balaam View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Balaam Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19-Jun-2007 at 08:02
The virgin girl is one the phone and asks her boyfriend to come

over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."
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Knights View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Knights Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19-Jun-2007 at 08:06
Originally posted by Balaam Balaam wrote:

"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

LOLLOL

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morticia View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote morticia Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19-Jun-2007 at 14:17
Evolution of Man and Woman:






Edited by morticia - 19-Jun-2007 at 14:23
"Morty

Trust in God: She will provide." -- Emmeline Pankhurst
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote morticia Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19-Jun-2007 at 14:39
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

1.Compliment her,
2.respect her,
3.honor her,
4.cuddle her,
5.kiss her, caress her,
6.love her, stroke her,
7.tease her,
8.comfort her,
9.protect her,
10.hug her,
11.hold her,
12.spend money on her,
13.wine and dine her,
14.buy things for her,
15.listen to her,
16.care for her,
17.stand by her,
18.support her,
19.hold her,
20.go to the ends of the Earth for her.


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
1.Show up naked.
2.Bring food

"Morty

Trust in God: She will provide." -- Emmeline Pankhurst
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote aslanlar Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30-Jun-2007 at 20:46
This is a Folk tale by Nasreddin Hodja.

Nasreddin goes to his neighbours and asks if he can borrow a pot because he's going make some stew for some friends that night and that he will return it tomorrow.
Tomorrow comes and goes and Nasreddin Hodja still hasn't returned the pot. After about 3 days, the neighbour is wondering where his pot has gone. On the 5th day, Nasreddin knocks on his neighbours door and hands him his pot back, however it feels heavy. His neighbour looks inside and finds another smaller pot inside, he asks "What's this?". Nasreddin says that the pot gave birth and that it is now his. His neighbour, obviously happy about this doesn't bother to argue with Nasreddin.
About a week later, Nasreddin asks if he can borrow another pot. His neighbour, thinking that he will get yet another pot for free quickly accepts and gives him his largest and most valuable pot.
A day passes and nothing, so the nieghbour thinks it will take some time. 5 days pass and nothing. A week passes and still nothing. Finally 2 weeks after he had given his pot to Nasreddin Hodja, he goes to his house and knocks on the door.
Nasreddin answers. The neighbour asks where his pot is and Nasreddin looks clueless. He says the time had come and the pot had passed away. His neighbour, obviously angry shouts "you're telling me a peice of metal can just die! What kind of stupidity is this!" to which Nasreddin replies, "Well if you believe it can give birth, why wouldn't it be able to die?".


I know it's not the funniest thing i've ever heard, but still, it's an old memory. Good old Nasreddin Hodja
"The league is alright when sparrows dispute but it can do little when eagles argue" -Mussolini
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Paul View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Paul Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07-Jul-2007 at 17:24
Light blue touch paper and stand well back

http://www.maquahuitl.co.uk

http://www.toltecitztli.co.uk
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote elenos Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08-Jul-2007 at 08:55

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

elenos
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote rider Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09-Jul-2007 at 02:54
Originally posted by Knights Knights wrote:

Originally posted by Balaam Balaam wrote:

"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

LOLLOL


Amazing!!!!!
There is no emotion, there is peace.
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.
There is no passion, there is serenity.
There is no chaos, there is harmony.
There is no death, there is the Force.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote rider Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09-Jul-2007 at 02:56
Originally posted by morticia morticia wrote:


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
1.Show up naked.
2.Bring food



You know, I'd like a drink too.... and someone must turn the tv onWinkLOLLOL
There is no emotion, there is peace.
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.
There is no passion, there is serenity.
There is no chaos, there is harmony.
There is no death, there is the Force.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote elenos Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09-Jul-2007 at 03:30
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?" She hit me.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote rider Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09-Jul-2007 at 03:45
Originally posted by elenos elenos wrote:

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?" She hit me.


How old was she?
There is no emotion, there is peace.
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.
There is no passion, there is serenity.
There is no chaos, there is harmony.
There is no death, there is the Force.
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Níl a fhios agam cad ata ag tharlu

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Dolphin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09-Jul-2007 at 06:33
If you're swimming in creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray

Edited by Dolphin - 09-Jul-2007 at 06:34
Am not I Dametas? Why, am not I Dametas?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote elenos Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09-Jul-2007 at 06:39
Old enough, rider, old enough to fill a sweat shirt out to a T!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote rider Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09-Jul-2007 at 09:15
Originally posted by elenos elenos wrote:

Old enough, rider, old enough to fill a sweat shirt out to a T!


Well, I am not entirely understanding that Aussie dialect...

Couldn't you say it in numbers????Wink
There is no emotion, there is peace.
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.
There is no passion, there is serenity.
There is no chaos, there is harmony.
There is no death, there is the Force.
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elenos View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote elenos Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09-Jul-2007 at 09:47
Ten!
elenos
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Dolphin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09-Jul-2007 at 09:52
ugh - like seriously
 
size ten or age ten?
Am not I Dametas? Why, am not I Dametas?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote elenos Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09-Jul-2007 at 21:28
This is getting serious here, Dolphin. Girls aged ten? You would have be one of those desparate pedalabikes or whatever to look at  kids. How big is size ten for a woman? Large is it, oh well, big titties aint all that bad, we call them funbags over here. I mean a ten out of ten Jezebel, a lean mean fighting machine that leans up against the wall and says,

C'mon baby, stir me like a pudding, for I'm a long tall woman! Oh yeah!

Then, you know the rest of the story, Her shirt had Guess on it, I said implants? and she hit me. Story of my life really.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote rider Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05-Aug-2007 at 10:21
The Latvian President is called by the Lithuanian one.
Lithuanian: "Can you please send some tanks here?"
Latvian: "Shall I send one or both?"


___

One went close to that, I've forgotten the exact one...
There is no emotion, there is peace.
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.
There is no passion, there is serenity.
There is no chaos, there is harmony.
There is no death, there is the Force.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Caoimhe Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22-Aug-2007 at 10:36
There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to molest us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote elenos Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23-Aug-2007 at 03:16
Down in the woods where the nuts go brown
Petticoats up and trousers down...

But in the case of Sister Logical she got nun!

Have you heard about the nun that chased the choirboy around the church?
She caught him by the organ!
elenos
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