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Timotheus View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Timotheus Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18-Jan-2007 at 00:36
Originally posted by aska_lankas aska_lankas wrote:

And why are you president when kerry got more votes than you?" at that moment the recess bell went and all the kids went to recess.


Bush beat Kerry in a fair fight, it was Al Gore who got more votes than him LOL
Opium is the religion of the masses.

From each according to his need, to each according to his ability.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Justinian Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18-Jan-2007 at 03:04
A guy from my church told me a good one recently that a Jewish professor told him:
A Catholic, Protestant and a Jew tell each other how they celebrate christmas, the Catholic says he goes to mass on Christmas Eve and opens presents later that night, the protestant says he goes to church on Christmas Eve and opens presents on Christmas day, the Jew says he closes the store at 9 in the evening, brings the cash register home and sits around it with the family singing we have a friend in Jesus.
"War is a cowardly escape from the problems of peace."--Thomas Mann

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote pekau Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18-Jan-2007 at 21:31

You've got to see this scary website. It talks about why water is so evil.

http://www.angelfire.com/apes/watersucks/
 
They claim that they update sometime regualry, but they have not done so for more than 2 years... so don't bother mailing him.
     
   
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Liudovik_Nemski Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20-Jan-2007 at 17:46
-What is a communist?
-Someone who has read Marx and Lenin
-What is an anticommunist?
-Someone who understood themBig%20smile
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Dolphin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07-Feb-2007 at 08:10
Ever caught kissing someone you shouldn't be? Try Chico Marx's excuse:
"I wasn't kissing her, I was just whispering in her mouth"
 
lol
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Denis Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07-Feb-2007 at 12:52
Thats a good one. Sorta reminds me of good ol Bill
 
I did not have sexual relations with that woman
"Death belongs to God alone. By what right do men touch that unknown thing"

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Kerimoglu Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07-Feb-2007 at 14:13

World Bank gave 1 million dollar to 2 engineers - one Azerbaijani and one Englishman. Asked them to built bridges - English engineer in London, Azerbaijani engineer in Baku. They gave them 3 months. The money was grant. After 3 month they wen to london. Experts were welcomed by an Englishman and were invited for a great dinner decorated with all kind of Britain food and beer. They asked him: Man, how rich u're. How were u able to affort all of those stuff. He showed the city to experts, through his window, and told: See that bridge??

-Yeah..
-I bouilt it for 800 000 dollars and kept the rest for myself.
 
They applouded and congratulated him. Then came to Baku. A black Maybach greeted them at the Airport and took to Azerbaijani engineers villa. It was 5 stored, forty rooms, with summer and winter bath, with golden touilets and so on. They asked, dude, what the hell? How did u become a richchy??
-Yeah, well, see that River?
-Yeahh.....
-See the bridge on it??
-Noop
-Oh, there should be a bridge.
History is a farm. Nations are farmers. What they planted before will show what is going to grow tomorrow!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote pekau Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14-Feb-2007 at 01:13
Cows & Politics Explained

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:  You have two cows.  You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST:  You have two cows.  The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN:  You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT:  You have two cows.  Your neighbor has none.  You feel guilty for being successful.  You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.  The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST:  You have two cows.  The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST:  You have two cows.  The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:  You have two cows.  The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:  You have two cows.  You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:  You have two cows.  The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.  You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  They are mad.  They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.  You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:  You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You enter into a partnership with an American corporation.  Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:  There are these two Jewish cows, right?  They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  That one on the left is kinda cute.
     
   
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DukeC View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote DukeC Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16-Apr-2007 at 01:15
This joke was written by a CPA(Coalition Provisional Authority) staffer in 2004, I think it captures the nature of the Iraq war well.
 
Question: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
 
CPA: The fact that the chicken crossed the road shows that decision making authority has switched to the chicken in advance of the scheduled June 30th transition of power. From now on the chicken is responsible for its own decisions.
 
Halliburton: We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost $326,004.
 
Shiite cleric Moqtada Al-Sadr: The chicken was a tool of the evil coalition and will be killed.
 
U.S. Army military police: We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and then plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurance of any chicken-rights violations.
 
Peshmerga: The chicken had to cross the road, and will continue to cross the road, to show its independence and to transport the weapons it needs to defend itself. However, in the future to avoid problems, the chicken will be called a duck, and will wear a plastic bill.
 
Al-Jazeera: The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers, according to witnesses. The chicken was then fired apon intentionally, in yet another example of the abuse of innocent Iraqi chickens.
 
CIA: We cannot confirm or deny any involvement in the chicken-road-crossing incident.
 
Translator: Chicken he cross street because bad she tangle regulation. Future chicken table against my request.
 
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Dolphin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26-Apr-2007 at 06:37
Renee Descartes walks into a bar, right? he sits in front of the barman and the barman asks, 'would you like a martini sir?'
 
Descartes says, ''i don't think....'' and he disappeared.
Am not I Dametas? Why, am not I Dametas?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Renee Katz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27-Apr-2007 at 22:16
What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehova's Witness? 
Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Wolf Turk Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08-May-2007 at 21:35
They were all bloody GreatLOLLOLLOLThumbs%20Up
ALLWAYS IN A PAC
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Athanasios Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10-May-2007 at 11:06

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Balain d Ibelin Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11-May-2007 at 06:46

question-What is first, Chicken or egg??

answer-Egg first, because Chicken know about eggs, while eggs doesn't know about Chicken.

 
 
 
 
And here's an old Joke:
There is a shepherd, he had 100 Sheeps. One day, when he brought his sheeps back to his home, he mount on 1 sheep, then in the way, he check his sheeps while he's still mounting on the sheep. He checked it "96...97....98....99. Wait! One is missing!" Then he dismount from the sheep, he count again "98...99...100. None is missing!Good!" then he mount on the sheep again then, half the way, he stops and check it again, he found 99 again. Then he dismount again, and he found it 100 again.
 
In anger, the Shepherd said "aah..!! Better I walk then mount on one sheep so I couldn't miss one"LOL


Edited by Balian d'Ibelin - 23-Jun-2007 at 16:34
"Good quality will be known among your enemies, before you ever met them my friend"Trobadourre de Crusadier Crux
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Omar al Hashim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01-Jun-2007 at 05:17
>                 A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed
> her for February and March for their annual service charges on 
> her credit card,
> and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
>                 The balance, which had been $0.00, now is somewhere 
> around
> $60.00.
>
>                 _A family member placed a call to ANZ:_
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "The account was never closed and the late fees and
>                  charges still apply."
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "Since it is two months past due, it already has 
> been."
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "Either report her account to the frauds division or
>                 report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "Excuse me?"
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the
> part about her being dead?"

>                 ANZ:
>                 "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
>
>                 _Supervisor gets on the phone:_
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "The account was never closed and the late fees and
>                 charges still apply."
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 (Stammer)    "Are you her lawyer?"
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "No, I'm her great nephew."
>                 (Lawyer info given)
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "Sure."
>                 (fax number is given)
>
>                 _After they get the fax:_
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't
> know what more I can do to help."
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "Well, if you figure it out, great!
>                 If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't
> think she will care."
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "Would you like her new billing address?"
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "That might help."
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 " Rookwood Memorial Cemetery ,
>                 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney
>                 Plot  Number 69."
>
>                 ANZ:
>                 "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
>
>                 Family Member:
>                 "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
"O Byzantines! If success is your desire and if you seek right guidance and want your empire to remain then give the pledge to this Prophet"
~ Heraclius, Roman Emperor
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Aelfgifu Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01-Jun-2007 at 05:28
OMG, is that real? LOL
 
I've read similar stories in the papers here... How dumb do corporations get....
"Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Women hold their councils of war in kitchens: the knives are there, and the cups of coffee, and the towels to dry the tears.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Praetor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01-Jun-2007 at 09:47
Apparently the following qoutes are actual transcripts put to witnesses during examination and cross-examination.

1. "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

3. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

4. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

5. "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
         -- No.
"Did you check for blood pressure?"
         -- No.
"Did you check for breathing?"
         -- No.
"So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
         -- No.
"How can you be so sure, doctor?"
      -- Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
"But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
         -- It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Those were five of the best from a sheet I recieved at the begining of my Legal studies course. Absolute gold.....LOLLOLLOL

Regards, Praetor.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote ulrich von hutten Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02-Jun-2007 at 04:58
That's life...
 
A man called the Customer service of the Icelandic Mail.
 
Customer: Could you please tell me the post-code of the chinese town a-rau ?
 
Agent: What was the name ?
 
Customer: A-rau.
 
Agent,looking in his systems: Sorry, Sir, can't find a town like that.
 
Customer: Oh, dear, that's Icelandic mail. Send a letter to keflavik and it   will last half a year. Ask for a post-zip of China and everyone is overburden.
(Customer produced the usual execrations) Come on, want to talk to your supervisor.
 
Agent: Sir, are you sure the town is in China ? Have you any other details for your assumpton?
 
Customer: Guy, what do you think ? I'm an Idiot ? I recived a letter from China. The country symbol is CH.
 
Agent: Sir, that symbol is for Swiss. The town is probably in Swiss.
 
Customer (shouting): That's enough. Do you think i can't differ Chna and Swiss ?
 
Agent: The post-zip of Arau in Swiss is 12345. Arau is a Swiss town.
 
Customer: Ok,ok Swiss than, but you should have known it much earlier,ninny-hammer. (ringed
 off)
 
(you can hear that quiet) Agent: f**king Bastard.
 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote DukeC Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07-Jun-2007 at 16:50

From a computer tech support call in the late 1990s.

Techie: How can I help you?
 
Customer: My computer won't work.
 
T: Ok, first off, is it plugged in.
 
C: Yup.
 
T: And all the software installed?
 
C: It came with the software.
 
T: And nothing happens when you hit the power button?
 
C: No
 
T: Ok, I want you to look at the back of the computer to check the connections.
 
C: I can't.
 
T: Why?
 
C: I can't see the back of my computer.
 
T: Why can't you see the back of your computer?
 
C: The power's out and there's no light.
 
Long pause
 
Techie: Ok, this is what I want you to do. Pack your computer up in its box and take it back to the store where you bought it. When you get there tell the clerk you want your money back because YOU"RE TOO F**KING STUPID TO USE A COMPUTER.
 
 
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote babyblue Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13-Jun-2007 at 11:52

  Ok ok...I've just received this from my assistant manager from work. Pretty sick Aussie humour.

A man was found dead in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the
scene found the man face down in his bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes. A banana was
sticking out of his arse.

Police suspect a cereal killer.
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