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Quetzalcoatl View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Quetzalcoatl Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14-Sep-2006 at 02:04

 

It's Saturday morning and John was just about to start a round of golf. He suddenly realised he had forgotten to tell his wife that the repair man was coming round at 12 noon to fix the dishwasher. He heads back to the clubhouse and phones home to tell her.

"Hello," says a little girl's voice.
"Hello, it's Daddy," Says John. "Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes I do and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!"

"Okay then, here's what I want you do. Put the phone down, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell out of the front window. Now she's all dead."

"Oh my God ... And what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared, and he jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the pool, and now he's all dead too."

There was a long pause then John said, "Swimming pool? ..... Is this 9234762?"



Edited by Quetzalcoatl - 14-Sep-2006 at 02:05
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Desimir View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Desimir Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18-Sep-2006 at 17:19
FYRO Macedonia declared war against USA.Surprissingly macedonians stroke first.A super secret macedonian stealth plane took off from secret base in Shar Mountain fled to New York and attacked the city with nuke.Americans didnt answer to this attack.After that a super secret macedonian sub appeared in Ohrid Lake and fired a few balistic missiles against LA.The City was tottaly destroyed.Macedonians asked americans to surrender but nobody answered.After that a hi tech sattelite with laser cannons destroyed Washington and macedonians again aksed americans to surrender.This time they recieved an answer from G.W.Bush and he said to macedonian president:
"You nasty macedonians,we will crush you if we find you on the map"

A joke for my bulgarian friends from macedonia.
    

Edited by Desimir - 18-Sep-2006 at 17:20
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xristar View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote xristar Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19-Sep-2006 at 04:18
Heh heh heh. Nice Desimir.

Defeat allows no explanation
Victory needs none.
It insults the dead when you treat life carelessly.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Desimir Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19-Sep-2006 at 05:56
Here is another one.

Former american president Bil Clinton died and went to heaven.One day he asked god to let him go down on earth and see what was happening.And god agreed.So Clinton returned to earth and he found himself in a LA suburbs.Bill entered into the first bar he saw and asked the barman "Who won , our guys" and the barman answered
"Of course that we won".And Clinton began to celebrate the prosperity of his nation.After a couple of drinks he realize that he should return to heaven and asked about the bill.
The barman told him "just 50 roubles".
    

Edited by Desimir - 19-Sep-2006 at 05:57
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fdsa View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote fdsa Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19-Sep-2006 at 16:46
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade
especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of
Her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently ageing, but still a warm
and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past
mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are
un-patrolled.
The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all
conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is, but
no one wants to go there.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 and 70 a man is like the USA - ruled by a dick.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Northman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19-Sep-2006 at 19:13
LOL
fdsa - you better duck when you make posts like that....  Morthy could be looking over the fence, and then you'd be in big truble  Wink
 
***************
 
Præsident Jimmy Carter once spotted a strange sight from his yacht...  2 white males in a row-boat, pulling a black guy on watersskies working really hard to keep him surfaced, and Carter was so impressed that he sailed over to them and said to the white guys:
"Thats impressive - please meet me in the oval office on monday. I will reward each of you a medal for outstanding conduct in respect to human rights and race-equality - you make me proud to be an American"
 
He sailed on and as they started rowing again, the first white guy said:
"Nice guy our president - he knows a lot about human rights"

"Yes" said the other guy - "But he doesnt know anything about fishing sharks" 
 
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Desimir Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20-Sep-2006 at 10:52
Edit

Edited by Constantine XI - 20-Sep-2006 at 17:02
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Aelfgifu Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20-Sep-2006 at 11:55
I'm not particularly amused by antisemitic jokes. Very bad taste.

Women hold their councils of war in kitchens: the knives are there, and the cups of coffee, and the towels to dry the tears.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote flyingzone Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20-Sep-2006 at 15:04
That "joke" is extremely offensive. Angry
 
I am not trying to be politically correct here. But I cannot stand anyone trivializing any kind of genocides and massacres. If that were humour at all, it's humour of the most tasteless kind.
 
Shame on you.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Desimir Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20-Sep-2006 at 15:57
Ok,Ok i'm very ashamed.It was very rude.It wont happen again.
    

Edited by Desimir - 20-Sep-2006 at 16:03
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Timotheus Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20-Sep-2006 at 21:30
This one originated just before World Cup 2006.

It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. “What’s up?” he asks.

“Well, we’re having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it’s important but it’s only England. They’re rubbish and we can’t be bothered.”

Ronaldinho looks at them and says, “Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself-you lads go down the pub.” So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on.

A big cheer goes up as the screen reads “Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 0”. He is beating England all by himself! A few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, “It must be full time now, let’s see how he got on.” They put the teletext on.

“Result from the Stadium ‘Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)’.”

They can’t believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. “I’ve let you down, I’ve let you down.”

“Don’t be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!”

“No, no, I have. I’ve let you down…I got sent off after 12 minutes.”
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Desimir Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23-Sep-2006 at 05:24
A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her.
      Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, "Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move."
      The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model."
      Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, "I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back."
      The blonde replies, sweetly, "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model" -- and shows no signs of moving.
      Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class.
      Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear.
      Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment. Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, "Captain, I'm impressed ... what did you say to her?"
      The captain grinned slyly and said, "I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote mamikon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23-Sep-2006 at 12:39
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Desimir Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23-Sep-2006 at 16:02
Local cowboys were sitting in a tavern and drinking their whiskey.After a while another cowboy entered and said:
-Save yourself.The white Billy is coming!..-then he fall and died.
But cowboys didn’t pay much attention to him.After a few minutes a second cowboys entered and said:
-Save yourself.The white Billy is coming and he kill and steal everything on his way!-and then fall and died.But cowboys didn’t pay much attention again.But suddenly a huge cowboy dressed in white clothes entered with two revolvers and shouted.
-Put all your money on the tables and put the hands up.
Everybody took their purses and left them on the tables.The white cowboy gathered all the money and on his way out he said to others:
-And better save yourself because the white Billy is coming.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote ulrich von hutten Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23-Sep-2006 at 17:15
an old muslim man ,living in chicago, is calling his son, who's studiing in paris. :" Son, i like to dig up my potatoe acre at the backyard of our house." His Son replies:" No Dad , don't do it, don't you remember what we dig years ago?"
Two hours later, the house at chicago was surrounded by the cia, fbi, marines and what ever excists at the us-homeland security. they dig inch for inch but couldn't find anything.
at the evening the son called his dad and said: ok, i think you mustn't dig your acre anymore ,that's what i could do for you, so far away from home."

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Aelfgifu Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24-Sep-2006 at 07:52
LOL I know one just like it...
 

WHO SAYS REDNECKS AREN'T REAL BRIGHT??
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Billy Bob and leave. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, buddy."


Women hold their councils of war in kitchens: the knives are there, and the cups of coffee, and the towels to dry the tears.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Goban Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24-Sep-2006 at 08:42
A man walks into a bar and notices a rather large pile of money on a table. He asks the bartender what it is for while ordering his drink.
 
The bartender explained that it was for a contest and the first person to complete it will win all the cash. The obstacles include knocking out a huge bouncer with one punch, there is also is a rabid rottwieler in the back yard with a bad tooth that he must extract and finally there is an old woman upstairs who has never known a man…
 
The man looks at the large bouncer with fear and continues drinking…
 
After a few hours of drinking his liquid courage, the man springs from his bar stool and slugs the bouncer square in the chin and knocks him out! He then runs outside and confronts the rabid dog. The noise of the chaos is horrendous and lasts for quite some time. Then, after a while, the man emerges from the back door with his cloths torn to shreds and bleeding from various wounds he asks “Ok, now, where’s the old woman with the tooth ache?”
 
 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote fdsa Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24-Sep-2006 at 09:58
A gay man, a straight man and a greedy man all die and show up at the Gates of Heaven at once. St. Peter welcomes them to his desk and then begins flipping through their files. "Hmmm..." he says. "Apparently, one of you liked men, one of you loved money, and one of you couldn't stop fornicating with women! This is bad, let me call God."

So St. Peter calls God, not really wanting to send three otherwise good men to Hell at once, and God himself comes to talk to them. "Okay," God says, "I'm going to put each of you three men through a test to try to resist the sinful thing that got you a ticket to Hell. If you can pass this test, you'll get into Heaven. If you fail, then you'll hear a loud POOF, and you'll be in Hell."

So the men agree, and the first man up is the straight man. In front of him is the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen in his life. He tried to resist, but he just couldn't do it. He began unclothing her...


POOF!

He went to Hell.

So the greedy man step up for his test, and in front of him, on the ground, is a billion dollar check, ready to be cashed by him. He can't resist, he bends over to pick it up...

POOF!

POOF!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Aelfgifu Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24-Sep-2006 at 16:33

All the organs of the body were having a meeting trying to decide who was the one in charge.

I should be in charge" said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge" said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge" said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.


The Moral of the story?  The asshole is usually in charge.

Women hold their councils of war in kitchens: the knives are there, and the cups of coffee, and the towels to dry the tears.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Goban Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25-Sep-2006 at 05:43

A penguin was driving through the hot desert when she noticed smoke billowing from under the hood of her car. When she reached the nearest town, she stopped at a gas station and asked the mechanic to take a look at it. He said “Sorry ma’am, this may take a while. You are more than welcome to wait in the lobby or maybe you can come back in a few hours.”

 
Upset about her car and very uncomfortable in the heat, the penguin decided to go to the local air-conditioned supermarket to wait out her mechanic. When inside, she noticed a very large freezer filled with an assortment of ice-cream, so she hopped in...
 
About three hours and three half gallons later she decided to go and check on her car. The mechanic, with a look of concern said “Sorry ma’am but it looks like you’ve blown a seal.”
 
The penguin, immediately blushed with embarrassment and said “No, no! Its ice-cream I swear!!”
 
 
 
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